So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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