I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
