I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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