those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
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