I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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