Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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