The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Houston, we have a squirter
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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