I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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