a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Randomize
