fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
