Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
