my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
