Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
