You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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