I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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