Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Rumble strips road head = magical
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
