i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Mom said you looked used
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
