Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Randomize
