Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
so much tequila, so little girl.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
