What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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