Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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