i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
