Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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