Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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