I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
