I just pynch a tree in the face
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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