dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
