ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
zippers are such a cool invention
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
