I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
