woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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