apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
