there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
two words: eviction party
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
