I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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