I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
