My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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