i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
