I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
