It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
When are your genitals available?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
