I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
