she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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