worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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