paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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