im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
it hurts more in the daytime
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
