My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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