I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
