Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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