matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
