Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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