I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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