I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
